How do I accept my system going through more changes? I feel often like I no longer know who I am or what my system is… I feel so much less grounded. I’m not sure if this is because I’m an adult now but change is scary and I really don’t know how to cope or handle this. Any advice is appreciated!
As I read your question, I strongly wished I could sit down with you and talk about this! I feel like I know even less about your situation than you do, so some of my suggestions may miss the boat. But I’ll give it a good try!
Change is often scary. I want to normalize that for you. It’s especially true for survivors of complex childhood trauma because your nervous system and your dissociative system have an understanding of what to expect and how to cope with the present. But change can eliminate predictability and leave you on guard a lot more. And while change might be positive, that isn’t guaranteed. So it just makes sense that change is scary. I’m a big believer in dialectics for situations like this. I think it can be helpful to combine a statement about the issue, such as “I’m afraid of the changes our system is going through” with a factual statement related to it, such as “AND we’ve managed difficult changes before.” This acknowledges the difficulty of the situation and helpful or supportive aspects that can exist at the same time.
What you are experiencing right now sounds difficult, confusing, and unsettling. And that’s on top of being a system and having adult responsibilities. I’m not sure if by less grounded you mean more dissociated, feeling like things are much less certain or predictable now, or something else. If it’s that you feel more dissociated, I might encourage you to look at my mini-course if you have some days where the fog isn’t as bad.
That mini-course will help you identify how you can reduce threat signals that may increase dissociation when your nervous system responds to them as well as how you can identify the most effective ways to send messages of safety to your nervous system. No two nervous systems are alike, so learning what works with yours can help make grounding efforts more effective.
This may be annoying, but the mini-course might also help if your issue is that things feel less certain now. That can translate into anxiety and stress. Learning how to send signals of safety to your nervous system can help in this situation, too. If the mini-course is too much right now, I’d encourage you to really focus on intentionally doing the things that have helped you in the past, such as grounding exercises, slow, deep breathing exercises, or progressive muscle relaxation.
When you aren’t sure who you are or who your system is, that can be unsettling. I think it could be helpful to focus on…
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