When an Alter Scares or Frustrates You: A Gentle Way to Understand Their Actions
(Summary) When an alter’s behavior feels frightening, disruptive, or confusing, it’s easy to assume the worst about their motives. But many parts act from protective instincts that aren’t obvious from the outside. In this post, you’ll learn a simple but powerful practice: generating neutral or positive explanations for why a part behaves the way they do. This gentle shift opens space for curiosity, reduces internal conflict, and helps you see your alter not as a threat, but as a survivor using the strategies they learned to keep you safe. A downloadable resource is included to help you get started.
If you have an alter whose actions frustrate or even scare you, here’s something that can quietly start to change that relationship.
Try coming up with two or three other explanations for why they do what they do — even if you don’t believe any of them yet. The key is to make those explanations neutral or positive.
If you only look for motives that assume ill intent, you’ll just reinforce the belief that you and that part can’t work together.
For example:
- Maybe the part that lashes out is trying to stop you from feeling powerless.
- Maybe the part that hides is trying to protect you from judgment.
- Or maybe the one that seems to sabotage things believes that if you never succeed, you’ll never get hurt again.
You don’t have to know which one is right. The goal isn’t to excuse the behavior — it’s to expand your understanding.
Because when you start imagining why a part might act that way, you move from seeing them as an enemy to seeing them as a survivor.
Once you’ve identified a few possibilities, you can even ask that part if any of them feel true. That’s really the purpose of this exercise: possibility.
When you focus on explanations that are neutral or kind, the way you see that alter shifts — and cooperation becomes more possible.
It’s understandable if it’s hard to think of neutral or positive reasons at first I’ve got you covered! I’ve prepared a resource with some examples that can help you get started. You can grab it here: Understanding Alter Behavior
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do some alters behave in ways that feel harmful or scary?
Many alters use old survival strategies learned in childhood. These behaviors often come from protection, not malice — even if they feel disruptive today.
Is it dangerous to imagine positive or neutral motives for an alter’s behavior?
No. You’re not excusing harm; you’re expanding perspective. Curiosity increases internal safety, whereas assuming ill intent strengthens internal fear and conflict.
What if none of the explanations I imagine feel true?
That’s completely normal. The purpose isn’t to be “right” — it’s to open possibility. Often, parts respond simply to being seen differently.
How can I tell whether an alter’s behavior is protective versus sabotaging?
Protection and sabotage often look the same on the surface. The key is exploring what the behavior tries to prevent — shame, pain, rejection, failure, or powerlessness.
What if a part refuses to communicate or confirm anything I guessed?
Silence doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Many parts take time to trust. Offering kinder interpretations is still healing, because it shifts your stance toward the system.
Can this exercise actually reduce internal conflict?
Yes. When your internal stance becomes less adversarial, parts feel less threatened — which often reduces extreme behaviors over time.
Do I need to believe the explanations I come up with?
No. This is a cognitive-behavioral possibility exercise, not a truth test. You’re building flexibility in your interpretations, which makes connection easier.