Early in recovery, many systems have trauma-holding parts who are stuck in the past. They have no idea that the body is no longer 8 or 12 or whatever year and that it’s now an adult. Whatever awareness these parts have of the present is experienced through their lens of when they were 8 or 12 or however old they are. You can probably see how this presents a problem, but let me give you an example to make sure.
When Lily was growing up, her abusive mother was quick to get angry at the littlest mess. Lily learned to make sure she left everything spotless. Now, Lily is 32 and she lives in her own place with her partner, Sarah. One day after taking a shower, Lily left her towel in a heap on the floor. Nine year old Lily completely freaked out, believing that Sarah is going to be furious and bad things will happen. This is because nine year old Lily confuses the partner Sarah for Lily’s mom. She’s stuck in trauma time. As a result of this, adult Lily has a difficult day. She feels anxious and unsettled and she has no idea why. She feels like she’s going to get in trouble but thinks that’s ridiculous. She has no idea that nine year old Lily is freaked out about the towel on the floor. Adult Lily isn’t worried about Sarah. She knows Sarah may not be thrilled to find the towel on the floor but she’s not going to rage at Lily or hurt Lily. But all day long, adult Lily is on edge and expecting trouble and has no idea why.
This is one reason it’s important to help all trauma-holding parts become oriented to the present. That is, it’s important to help them understand that it’s not 2012, it’s 2025 so that those parts who are fronting and handling everyday life aren’t being affected by triggered trauma-holding parts. The other reason it’s important to help all trauma-holding parts understand that they no longer live in the time of their childhood is so that they can begin to heal. As long as these parts believe and experience themselves as still being in their traumatic childhood, there is no way they can heal. After all, they are adapted to survive in that situation the way they do and recovery requires them to begin acting and thinking differently. If they were truly still living in a dangerous environment, we would actually be making them more unsafe. When these parts believe they are still in the dangerous environment and we ask them to think or act differently, they aren’t going to be willing to try it. From their point of view, it’s just smart. So we have to help them understand that the situation is different now, that they can begin to think and act differently without putting themselves or the body into danger.
There is a third reason to do this. Quite simply, parts who are stuck in trauma-time are suffering. Even if you believe they are not affecting you, it would be cruel to ignore them and leave them in their suffering. Helping them to understand their situation is very different in the present is one way to relieve the parts of a great deal of suffering.
Typically, helping parts understand it’s now, and not then, isn’t a one and done thing. It often requires many discussions and offers of proof. In coming videos, I’m going to talk about two different things you can do to help those parts stuck in trauma begin to understand that they are part of the now, and not the then.