It is very common for children to blame themselves for the abuse they experienced growing up. If you blame yourself, this is not surprising. You might be surprised to hear that you had a very good reason for doing this when you were younger, and it had nothing to do with you actually being to blame.
In some cases, you may have been told that “this is all your fault” and “if you had just” done something or other, it wouldn’t have happened. More than likely, this was not true and it was a way for an abuser to hurt you further. But children who weren’t told they were to blame often believe this.
Remember that children, especially young children, are completely dependent upon their caregivers for the resources that keep them alive: food, shelter, clothing, and so on. This means your relationship with your caregivers is extremely important. You were likely focused on preserving that relationship at all costs, even if that meant accepting blame for things that were never your fault.
Finally, if you can imagine being a young child completely dependent upon your abusive caregiver, you can see how terrifying it would be to realize “I am utterly powerless here.” Many children cope with this terrifying possibility by believing that if they just tried harder and did something better, things would get better. As odd as it sounds, this can give a young child a sense of control and stability. “The world isn’t chaotic and unpredictable; I just need to do better.” For a child, believing “I am bad” can feel safer than believing “The people responsible for keeping me safe cannot or will not protect me.”
This page is part of the What Counts as Trauma? section of the CommuniDID site, which explains how trauma can occur without obvious violence and why survivors often doubt or normalize what happened to them.
Explore more:
- Questions about What Counts as Trauma?
- Why Trauma Survivors Minimize What Happened
- Common Ways Trauma Survivors Minimize What Happened
- The guide What Counts as Abuse? helps readers evaluate past experiences and understand why confusion about abuse is common.
- What Counts As Trauma?
- Why It Can Be Hard to Recognize Your Own Trauma
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