A member-submitted question for the Your Questions Answered feature made me realize that the topic of why a system member might ignore you was something I should address. As it turns out, there are many reasons another alter or part might not respond to your attempts at communication.
Is the lack of response intentional?
Before concluding that an alter is refusing to communicate with you, it’s a good idea to check to make sure that the lack of communication is intentional. For instance, perhaps the alter is communicating, but in a way you aren’t expecting or noticing. Some alters communicate primarily non-verbally, through body sensations or images. Other parts may communicate in writing but not in audible speech internally.
It is also possible that the part you wish to communicate does not have two-way communication with you. That is, they either may not hear you talking to them or they may hear you but be unable to respond directly to you. Before concluding silence from another part is deliberate, you might want to explore if another member of your system who is able to communicate with them and with you would be willing to be a go-between. This third party would take your messages to the other alter and return their responses to you, creating indirect but real communication.
When it appears to be intentional
If you’ve ruled out communication issues as best you can, then it might be time to explore why an alter or part of your system would intentionally ignore you or refuse to respond to your attempts to communicate. I came up with a surprisingly long list of potential reasons. I’ve grouped them into eight general categories. You may notice some overlap between categories.
Safety and fear
The part who appears to be ignoring you may believe that responding is unsafe for some reason. They may be afraid of:
- you for some reason.
- what will happen if communication occurs. For example, they may have been threatened as a child that if they talk, something terrible would happen to them or someone they care about.
- Becoming overwhelmed, perhaps from being triggered.
- Being changed, controlled, eliminated, or made unnecessary. For instance, a part might worry that they don’t seem to have an important or necessary role in the system and stay quiet rather than risk the system deciding they aren’t needed. In this case, it has nothing to do with you directly, but to their own fears of what might happen.
- Becoming close to, caring about, or dependent upon another individual. For parts who found safety through independence or self-reliance, communication that invites relationship could be frightening.
Protection and secrecy
Alters or parts who are intentionally refusing to respond to your attempts to communicate may be doing so because they believe it protects them in some way. They may believe that their silence protects the system by:
- Keeping the system from awareness of traumatic memories or other information it is not currently ready to handle.
- Maintaining compartmentalization that has historically been protective, perhaps unaware that it might not be needed now.
- Protecting another alter or part from information or contact.
- Protecting the system from destabilization. For example, perhaps much of the system is unaware of this part who remains silent and learning about them could be distressing or dysregulating to many in the system.
- Keeping other parts concealed. Perhaps they believe that communicating with you would lead to the revelation of vulnerable or distressed parts who are currently hidden.
- Maintaining internal arrangements as they currently are. The silent alter may believe that engaging in communication with you could lead to detrimental or destabilizing changes in how the system functions.
- Protecting their ability to continue to perform their role. The silent part may believe that they will no longer be able to perform their role as necessary if they begin communicating with you.
Trust and relationship difficulties
This category of reasons for why an alter might be unwilling to engage include aspects of the relationship with the other part:
- Distrust.
- Anger or resentment.
- Feeling hurt or betrayed.
- Punishing the other part by withholding communication.
- Expecting conflict.
- Believing they won’t be understood.
- Feeling dismissed or misinterpreted in previous interactions.
- Believing the outreach isn’t sincere.
- Expecting criticism or judgment.
- Expecting rejection if they reveal themselves or communicate honestly.
- Testing whether you are trustworthy.
- Waiting to see whether you behave consistently over time.
- Not wanting to communicate with you in particular.
Not expecting communication to be meaningful or reciprocal
The unresponsive part may not see a reason to reply if they don’t believe their response will actually matter.
- Believing their perspective won’t genuinely be considered (and therefore won’t contribute to the outcome) or believing that you have already decided what should happen.
- Expecting you to listen only long enough to argue, correct, or persuade them.
- Believing that “communication” is really a request for agreement or compliance.
- Previous communication hasn’t resulted in meaningful change.
- Believing there is no benefit to the proposed conversation.
- Believing disagreement won’t be tolerated.
Autonomy and boundaries
A part who believes that they have few ways to make decisions for themselves or choose what will happen may ignore communication in an attempt to have some control. Additionally, communication may be ignored as an attempt to create a boundary. This may include:
- Wanting to be left alone.
- Not consenting to the interaction.
- Resisting perceived demands for disclosure.
- Resisting pressure to cooperate.
- Wanting control over when and how they engage.
- Protecting their autonomy.
- Protesting because they don’t believe a direct “no” will be respected.
- Testing whether their boundaries will actually be respected.
- Wanting communication—but on different terms.
- Disagreeing that increased communication is currently desirable.
Avoidance of difficult experiences
In some cases, alters may not be responding because doing so could open the door to painful experiences, such as:
- traumatic memories or memory fragments.
- painful emotions.
- shame (including shame about their identity, role, feelings, needs, memories, or behavior).
- internal conflict.
- a subject they don’t want to discuss or questions they don’t want to answer.
- emotional activation that has followed previous communication.
Old rules, beliefs, and roles
The part who is ignoring attempts to communicate may be following an internal logic established under very different circumstances. That is they may be operating under beliefs or rules that limit or prohibit communication:
- “Alters aren’t supposed to talk to each other.”
- “Nobody is supposed to know I’m here.”
- “Don’t tell.”
- “Keep everyone separated.”
- “Don’t let them remember.”
- “Don’t trust anyone.”
- “Talking gets us in trouble.”
Additionally, they may believe that loyalty to an abuser, caregiver, or past relationship requires them to remain silent.
The timing, method, or circumstances don’t work for them
It is possible that the issue isn’t communication itself, but aspects of the communication, such as how, when, or under what circumstances communication is being attempted:
- They’re not ready yet.
- The attempts are too frequent or persistent.
- They feel pressured by repeated invitations to communicate.
- They dislike the method being used.
- They don’t want to discuss that particular subject.
- The timing feels wrong.
- They need more distance before engaging.
- They have other priorities.
- They may be willing to listen without responding.
- They may want communication to remain one-way for now.
Determining the cause
It’s possible that as you read through the eight categories and the examples of each that you may have developed an idea of what the problem might be in your case. But what if you have no idea? You will find some guidance on how you can start to identify the issue or issues in your communication with that alter who appears to be ignoring you over in the Coaching Connection section of the free membership. Over time, I will also be addressing what you can do for each of the eight categories of issues once you’ve identified your likely problem.