The Exhausting Part Isn’t Always Forgetting

(Summary) When people think about dissociative memory problems, they often focus on the missing information itself. But for many people with DID, OSDD, and other dissociative conditions, the greater burden comes from everything they do to compensate for those memory difficulties. Reconstructing events, checking calendars, reviewing messages, verifying information, and monitoring for forgotten details can become an almost constant background process. Because these efforts are often automatic, they can be difficult to notice. Yet they consume significant mental energy. This article explores why managing memory differences can be so exhausting and how external supports can help reduce the hidden cognitive load.

Forgetting information is easy. The work trying to piece together that information you can’t recall, well, that takes a lot of energy. These efforts are almost constant while you’re awake and they go on in the background. They feel invisible, so it’s easy to overlook exactly how tiring these efforts can be.

It’s obvious when you can’t recall a conversation or particular information. But you may not notice the efforts you go to in order to compensate for the memory issues:

• reconstructing what happened
• checking messages
• reviewing calendars
• piecing together conversations
• verifying information

These actions, intended to help your life run smoothly, can become automatic.

Why this is exhausting

All of this requires mental energy.

When memory feels unreliable, the brain often compensates by dedicating more attention to monitoring, verifying, and tracking information. Cognitive resources that could be used elsewhere are instead being spent trying to maintain continuity and prevent mistakes.

Attention can become divided between the task at hand and questions such as: “Did I already do that?” “Am I forgetting something?” or “Do I need to check that again?” Even when these thoughts are not fully conscious, they can still consume mental resources.

Uncertainty itself can also be exhausting. When information feels unreliable, the system may feel pressure to repeatedly monitor for missing details, verify plans, or double-check information. This creates ongoing work that must be performed over and over again.

What makes this especially draining is that much of it happens in the background. The system may not even realize how much effort is being spent managing memory differences because these compensatory processes have become automatic. Yet the energy expenditure is still real.

As a result, a person may end the day feeling mentally exhausted without fully understanding where all of that energy went.

External supports help

Because memory management can require so much ongoing effort, many systems benefit from external supports. These may include calendars, notes, reminders, journals, routines, or other systems designed to reduce the amount of information that must be actively tracked and remembered.

Some people feel guilty about relying on these tools. They may believe they should be able to keep track of everything without assistance. External supports can reduce the mental demands, which can reduce the energy you spend on tasks. This leaves more resources available for overall functioning.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do dissociative memory problems feel so exhausting?

The exhaustion often comes from the constant effort required to compensate for memory difficulties. Reconstructing events, checking information, monitoring for mistakes, and verifying details all require ongoing mental energy.

Is the exhaustion caused by forgetting itself?

Not always. Many people find that the most draining part is the continuous effort to prevent problems caused by memory gaps rather than the gaps themselves.

What is cognitive load?

Cognitive load refers to the amount of mental effort required to process, manage, remember, and organize information. Dissociative memory difficulties can significantly increase this workload.

Why do I keep checking things over and over?

When memory feels unreliable, the brain often compensates by increasing monitoring and verification. Repeated checking may be an attempt to reduce uncertainty and prevent mistakes.

Why do I feel mentally exhausted even when nothing obvious happened?

Many compensatory memory-management processes occur automatically and in the background. Even when you are not consciously aware of them, they can still consume substantial mental resources throughout the day.

Can uncertainty itself be exhausting?

Yes. When information feels unreliable, the nervous system may continually scan for missing details, double-check plans, or monitor for potential mistakes. Maintaining this level of vigilance requires energy.

What kinds of external supports can help?

Many systems benefit from calendars, planners, notes, reminders, journals, routines, checklists, visual cues, and other tools that reduce the need to actively track information.

Is it okay to rely on external supports?

Yes. External supports are not a sign of failure. They reduce cognitive demands, free up mental resources, and help compensate for memory differences in the same way that other accessibility tools support different needs.

Why do I feel guilty for using reminders or notes?

Many people believe they “should” be able to remember everything on their own. In reality, external supports often improve functioning by reducing unnecessary mental effort and allowing resources to be used elsewhere.

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