Don’t Know What You Need? Start Here

(Summary) If you learned during childhood that expressing your needs could cause problems, you may now struggle to identify what you need at all. Starting with the big question “What do I need?” can bring up anxiety, guilt, shame, or simply leave you drawing a blank. Instead, you can begin with a much smaller question: “Would anything make me a little more comfortable right now?” This simple practice can help you start noticing your needs and preferences without requiring you to ask for anything or even act on what you discover.

Last week, I talked about why not knowing what you need likely started as a survival strategy in childhood. As an adult, your situation is different. Expressing needs is hopefully much safer. In fact, friends and loved ones might even get frustrated at you when you are unable to tell them what it is you want or need. So how can you change this?

Start with a smaller question

The question “What do I need?” can be a very difficult question for someone who learned not to express needs. Asking yourself that might bring up anxiety, shame, or guilt. It might prompt a part of your system to speak harshly to you in an attempt to prevent you from exploring that question. So instead, start with a much smaller and less threatening question: “Is there anything that would make me a little more comfortable right now?”

This question allows you to notice changes you could make that would feel better without making them “needs.” This question doesn’t require you to focus on complicated emotional or relational needs. Initially, as you practice asking yourself this question, you don’t even have to share your conclusions with anyone else. For instance, imagine you’d really like to turn on the ceiling fan but you would never ask your partner because you figure if they wanted it on, it would be on. You don’t want to cause trouble, right? Well, the first step is just noticing that you would like to have the fan on. That’s it.

You are only noticing

Ironically, you might be uncomfortable at the thought of asking yourself this question. The question is “Is there anything that would make me a little more comfortable right now?” The question is not “Is there anything that would make me a little more comfortable right now and do I deserve it?” That’s a different issue you might need to work on. For now, the practice is simply noticing.

The focus is on “a little more”

Something might need to be intolerable before you’ll say anything. But remember: you are looking for opportunities to practice with very low stakes. You want to look for small things that might make only a small difference to you:

• You don’t have to be desperately thirsty before getting a drink.
• The noise doesn’t have to be unbearable before turning it down.
• You don’t have to be exhausted before resting.

Practicing this skill

Being able to identify needs and wants is a skill. If you are unable to do it very well, it is likely because you weren’t given many opportunities to practice this skill as a child. In fact, you may have had years of practice doing the opposite: ignoring your own wants and needs. Now you’re beginning to practice a different skill.

To practice, pause and ask yourself a couple of times during the day, “Would anything make me a little more comfortable right now?” You don’t need to identify a bunch of things. You might even learn that you’re actually comfortable and truly don’t need anything at the moment. That’s a valuable thing to learn, as well. You’re not asking for things yet. You are simply practicing noticing yourself and your experiences.

Frequently Asked Question

What if I don’t know what I need?

Instead of asking yourself “What do I need?”, try asking, “Would anything make me a little more comfortable right now?” Looking for small changes in comfort can make it easier to notice preferences without immediately having to label them as needs.

Do I have to act on a need once I notice it?

No. Identifying what you want or need and deciding what to do about it are separate skills. You can begin by simply noticing your preferences without asking anyone—including yourself—to act on them.

What if noticing what I want makes me feel guilty?

If expressing needs caused problems earlier in your life, simply recognizing a preference may trigger guilt, anxiety, or shame. You don’t have to resolve those feelings before practicing. For now, you can simply notice both the preference and your reaction to having it.

How can I practice identifying my needs?

Pause a couple of times during the day and ask whether anything would make you a little more comfortable. Look for small things: temperature, thirst, noise, rest, physical position, company, privacy, or other minor preferences. The goal isn’t to find something every time; it’s to practice paying attention to your own experience.

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