Interdependence Is Not the Same as Codependence

(Summary) If you’re trying to move away from codependence, becoming completely self-reliant may seem like the solution. But hyper-independence sits at another extreme. Healthy interdependence allows you to rely on yourself and accept support from other people while maintaining your own identity and autonomy. Instead of losing yourself to maintain connection or sacrificing connection to protect yourself, interdependence makes room for both.

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Do you know what the alternative to codependence is? Many people think it’s hyper-independence. Codependence and hyper-independence are two extremes of a spectrum. I want to talk about a healthy alternative: interdependence.

How they are different

If you are dependent, you are relying on others. If you are hyper-independent, you rely only on yourself. And then there is interdependence, in the middle between dependent and independent, where you can rely on yourself or someone else as needed.

With codependence, your emotions, your identity, and your sense of worth become dependent upon another person. If they are not okay, you are probably not okay. With codependence, you often have connection with others at the expense of your autonomy.

With hyperindependence, you have full autonomy, but at the expense of connection with others.

Interdependence provides both: autonomy and connection.

We can summarize them in this way:

• Codependence: “I lose myself to stay connected.”
• Hyperindependence: “I lose connection to protect myself.”
• Interdependence: “I can stay myself while staying connected.”

An example of healthy interdependence

When I talk about this topic with clients, I use therapy as an example. I rely on the client to tell me as best they can what they are experiencing and how they explain it. They rely on me to use my best clinical judgment about the best options to address it and they rely on me to help them make sense of the experience. Therapy only works when we both make contributions.

Where trauma complicates things

Many trauma survivors don’t grow up learning healthy interdependence. Instead they learn one of two lessons:

“I have to take care of everyone else.”
or
“I can’t depend on anyone.”

Neither is healthy interdependence. One loses yourself in relationships. The other avoids needing relationships. Both are survival strategies.

What Healthy Interdependence Looks Like

You might reasonably expect that healthy interdependence looks like an even 50-50 at any time, but it may not. There are times when I may need more support from a friend than I am offering them at the same time. But I also know that at some point, that friend will need support from me when I’m okay and not needing any. In other words, over periods of time, healthy interdependence should be fairly even, but at any particular time, it might be a bit lopsided. Each person may support the other in different ways and at different times.

Your system may be interdependent

Many OSDD and DID systems are interdependent at least to some extent. Each part relies on the other parts to handle their own responsibilities. Parts can offer and receive help as needed.

Conclusion

I’ve put up some examples of codependence, hyper-independence, and interdependence in case you’d like to see how each can look in different areas. The link is in the description.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is interdependence in a relationship?

Interdependence means being able to rely on yourself or another person as needed while maintaining your own identity and autonomy. Each person can contribute to the relationship, give support, and receive support without losing themselves.

What is the difference between codependence and interdependence?

With codependence, connection can come at the expense of autonomy: “I lose myself to stay connected.” With interdependence, both are possible: “I can stay myself while staying connected.”

Is hyper-independence the opposite of codependence?

Hyper-independence can look like the opposite extreme because the person avoids relying on others. But it can also come at a cost: “I lose connection to protect myself.” Interdependence provides a healthier middle ground between relying excessively on others and relying only on yourself.

Does an interdependent relationship have to be 50-50?

Not at every moment. One person may need considerably more support during a difficult period, while the balance shifts at another time. Healthy interdependence can be uneven at particular moments while remaining reasonably reciprocal over time.

Can DID and OSDD systems be interdependent?

Yes. Parts within a dissociative system may rely on one another to handle different responsibilities, provide support, or contribute particular abilities. Parts can both offer and receive help within the system.

 

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