When Did You Lose Your Worth?

(Summary) Growing up with childhood abuse or neglect can profoundly affect how you see yourself. You may have learned that your worth depended on meeting someone else’s expectations, avoiding mistakes, or earning their approval. Over time, those messages can become so familiar that they feel like facts rather than opinions. But have you ever questioned who taught you those beliefs—and whether they had any right to determine your worth in the first place?

Think about a newborn baby. They haven’t accomplished anything or made the world a better place. They can’t take care of themselves. In fact, they are quite demanding; other people have to do everything for them. This baby hasn’t shown that they are kind, hardworking, talented, or successful. Yet most of us assume the baby has worth simply because they exist.

What supposedly took your worth away?

There was a time when you were a baby. Just like other babies, you had worth that you didn’t have to earn. But this raises a question: when did you lose your worth?

Did you lose your worth when:

• someone said you made mistakes?
• someone became disappointed in you?
• you couldn’t meet someone’s expectations?
• someone used or abused you?

Says Who? / Who gets to decide?

You may not remember the occasion when you concluded you weren’t worth anything. You may have heard it from the beginning. In fact, you may have heard it so much that even though it was someone else’s opinion, it feels like a statement of fact to you now. The people who treated you so badly taught you their opinion as though it was fact. But I want to ask you this: why do they get to determine your worth? If worth is merit-based, what have they done to earn it? From where I’m standing, the people who created the conditions for your childhood complex trauma shouldn’t get a say. But I’ll ask you: do you respect these people? Do you respect their opinions? If the answer is no, then I don’t think they should get to decide your worth.

Deciding for yourself

I’m not naive. I know that simply realizing that you don’t respect them doesn’t mean their opinion no longer echoes inside. I get it. My hope in asking is to create some room for you to develop your own opinion about yourself, separate from the one your caretakers gave you that now feels like fact. You never chose their belief about you and your worth can never be taken from you.

I don’t expect you to suddenly feel worthy. But I hope you can begin to question that belief of others that now feels like capital T truth inside. To help you do that, I’ve put together a collection of questions that can help you start to make a conclusion for yourself, based on your values and not anyone else’s.

Frequently Asked Questions

How does childhood trauma affect your sense of self-worth?

Children often learn about themselves through the way caregivers treat them. When caregivers are abusive, neglectful, or consistently critical, children may internalize the message that they are inadequate, unlovable, or worthless. These beliefs can persist into adulthood, even though they originated in someone else’s treatment of them.

Why do I still feel worthless even though I know I was abused?

Understanding intellectually that you were mistreated doesn’t necessarily change beliefs you developed during childhood. Those beliefs may have been reinforced repeatedly over many years. Recognizing where they came from is an important step, but developing a different understanding of yourself often takes time.

Can you change negative beliefs about yourself that developed during childhood?

Yes. One starting point is learning to recognize those beliefs as something you were taught rather than objective facts. You can begin examining whose judgments you internalized, whether you agree with those judgments, and what conclusions you would reach using your own values.

Do you have to accomplish something to have worth?

Many people who experienced childhood trauma learned to associate their worth with achievement, usefulness, or meeting others’ expectations. But the idea that human worth must be earned is itself a belief worth questioning. You can recognize your inherent worth without having to prove that you deserve it.

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