Why Your Scary Parts Are Actually Trying To Help!
One of the most challenging truths in DID recovery is also one of the most liberating: every member of your system is trying to be helpful. Even parts that seem angry, scary, or out of control began as survival responses to unbearable circumstances. By recognizing their good intentions—without excusing harmful behavior—you create the foundation for communication, cooperation, and healing inside your system.
What I’m going to talk about today is super important. It’s one of two fundamentals that can keep you stuck and unable to move forward in your recovery if you don’t understand and accept it. I’ll address the other fundamental soon.
This truth can be extremely difficult to accept early on. It is that every member of your system is trying to be helpful.
I realize this can sound crazy. Some of you have really, really scary parts or angry parts or parts that seem evil or that you worry will go berserk and hurt others. How on earth can I claim that these parts are not bad?
It’s like this: every part was formed to help handle some set of circumstances or some situation. Their intentions are to help. Where the problem lies is in HOW they attempt to help. The way they attempt to help and address the circumstance or situation may not actually be helpful, but the intention underlying it is good.
I want to be clear: I’m NOT saying that they can’t be unpleasant or challenging to interact with at this point.
Not Accepting This Can Keep You Stuck
Until you can appreciate that this problematic or scary system member has good intentions and wants to help, the situation can’t change. This is because they are not likely to change without your help.
In all likelihood, the way they are acting is what they were taught. It’s the only way they know how to respond, and was likely learned from an abuser.
Furthermore, some of these alters or system members have no awareness that you are no longer in those dangerous circumstances. They still think it’s the past. Once you can communicate to that system member that you understand they are trying to help and communicate your appreciation of this fact (not the way that they do it, but that they are trying to help), that system member will become more open to hearing other input from you. From there, you can help them understand how they can act in ways that truly are helpful to you or the system. And once they are more receptive to you, you can help those who are trapped in the past become aware of the present.
It’s not usually a quick or easy process, but the first step is to stop viewing any members of your system as bad, evil, or out to cause trouble. If you are having trouble with this yourself, a therapist can be helpful. A therapist has an advantage in this situation of not being directly involved the way you are and has some emotional distance that can help them to look at the situation and notice things you might not.
I want to stress that I know this sounds a lot simpler and easier than it actually is to do. That’s why the support of a therapist can be helpful. If you don’t have that, perhaps you have a friend who can help you start to look at those challenging alters more positively. Or you’ll find helpful resources for this over at CommuniDID.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can scary or harmful-seeming parts be “trying to help”?
Even when a part’s behavior feels destructive, their origin is usually protective. They may have learned extreme strategies—like aggression, withdrawal, or self-punishment—from abusers or past trauma. The methods may be unhelpful now, but the underlying goal was to keep the system safe.
How do I appreciate the intention without condoning harmful actions?
You don’t have to agree with or excuse what a part is doing. The shift comes in separating the intention (“this part wants to help”) from the action (“the way they’re doing it hurts me or others”). When you acknowledge their motive, you build trust, which opens the door to negotiating safer and healthier strategies together.
What if a part refuses to believe I’m safe now?
Some parts may be frozen in the past, convinced the danger is still real. Instead of arguing, you can gently offer orientation: show them today’s date, describe your current surroundings, or point out safety cues. It often takes repetition and patience before those parts begin to notice the present.
What can I do if I can’t stop seeing a part as bad?
It’s understandable—especially if their behavior has caused distress. This is where outside support can help. A therapist or trusted friend can provide perspective and remind you of the part’s protective role. Over time, even small shifts—like saying “this part is scared” instead of “this part is evil”—can begin to soften the relationship.