Are You Responding to the Caregiver You Have—or the One You Needed?

(Summary) You may understand that an abusive, neglectful, critical, or unreliable parent is unlikely to change and still find yourself trying again: explaining yourself differently, seeking their approval, or hoping that this time they will understand. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re confused about who your parent is. You may also be emotionally attached to the parent you needed—the one who would finally believe you, acknowledge what happened, feel proud of you, or love you in the way you needed as a child. Recognizing this second relationship can help explain both the persistence of hope and the grief that can come with finally letting it go.

Some of you grew up with caregivers who let you down repeatedly. They were neglectful, abusive, unreliable, critical, and so on. As an adult, you may have come to the understanding that they are unlikely to change. Even so, you continue trying: explaining yourself again, seeking their approval, hoping they’ll understand, giving them another opportunity. Why is it so hard to stop hoping?

Your two relationships with your childhood caregiver

Children are wired to form attachment relationships with their caregivers, no matter how poor a caregiver they have. This relationship follows you into adulthood. You may also have a second relationship with this caregiver, or more accurately, to the caregiver you needed. This is the caregiver who will finally believe you, be proud of you, acknowledge what happened, or love you in the way you needed as a child.

Why hope keeps the relationship emotionally active

You have no illusions about who your caregiver is or what their flaws are, but that doesn’t mean hope stops. As long as change remains possible, there is still a chance of finally getting something important that was missing in childhood. A disappointing interaction therefore doesn’t necessarily end the pursuit. It doesn’t matter if only one time in 20 or 50 is a positive interaction with your childhood caregiver. That occasional positive interaction is enough to keep the hope alive. It can lead to another attempt: Maybe if I explain it differently. Maybe this time they’ll understand. From this point of view, it’s easier to have compassion for the parts of you that keep trying, keep hoping.

The painful realization

Hope is protective. It preserves the possibility that someday your childhood caregiver will be able to care for you as you needed. When you begin to see the caregiver as they actually are, as someone who is unlikely to ever be different than they have been, then you are confronted by the painful realization that you may never have the caregiver you needed and wanted.

Why letting go can feel like a loss

When you begin to let go of the hope that your caregiver will change, it can also mean acknowledging that your caregiver will never meet childhood needs. This is incredibly painful. It’s why reducing contact, setting boundaries, or stopping attempts to gain approval can bring grief even when those choices are healthy and wanted. You can be grieving what you never had, not merely losing what you have now.

Conclusion

Recognizing what you’ve actually been hoping for can help you understand why the relationship has such a powerful emotional pull. It may be useful to ask: Am I responding to the caregiver I actually have, or am I still waiting for the caregiver I needed?

Related Resources

• Understanding Trauma Bonds and Attachment After Abuse
• You Know You Don’t Need Your Childhood Caregiver. Why Does It Still Feel Like You Do?

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do I keep hoping my abusive parent will change?

Hope preserves the possibility that you might eventually receive something important that was missing in childhood. Even when you understand your parent’s limitations, part of you may continue hoping that they will finally understand, believe you, approve of you, or provide the love you needed.

Why do I keep seeking my parent’s approval as an adult?

You may not simply be seeking approval from the parent as they are today. You may still be pursuing something you needed from your caregiver in childhood. Recognizing what you are actually hoping to receive can make the repeated attempts easier to understand.

Why does one good interaction make me hopeful again?

An occasional positive interaction can preserve the possibility that your caregiver might finally change. Even if most interactions are disappointing, one unusually caring or validating experience may renew the thought: Maybe this time will be different.

Why do I grieve when setting boundaries with an abusive parent?

Setting boundaries or reducing contact can involve more than changing your current relationship. It may also require confronting the possibility that your caregiver will never become the person you needed. You can therefore grieve a relationship you wanted but never actually had.

Can you grieve a parent you never really had?

Yes. Grief can involve the loss of a hoped-for future, not only something you previously possessed. Accepting that a caregiver may never provide the love, protection, acknowledgment, or approval you needed can involve genuine grief.

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