Are Your Relationships at Risk During Healing?
(Summary) Therapy and healing can bring incredible growth — but for trauma survivors, especially those with DID or complex PTSD, it can also strain relationships. Many survivors learn people-pleasing as a survival strategy, but as healing progresses, new boundaries often emerge. While this is a sign of recovery, it can upset family members, partners, or friends who were used to the old patterns. Understanding why therapy may affect relationships can help you prepare, protect your progress, and rebuild healthier connections.
One of the risks of therapy, particularly for people who have DID or other complex trauma, is a loss of relationships. How is it that your healing can potentially lead to the end of friendships or other relationships?
Trauma Can Lead to People-Pleasing
In many cases, survivors of chronic trauma become people-pleasers as a way of staying safe. If you are care-taking others or making other people happy, even if it’s at your own expense, you have a sense that you can maintain the relationship and anticipate how to respond to events in the relationship. It makes a lot of sense. In these situations, typically the trauma survivors have few or even no boundaries.
Healing Can Lead to New Boundaries
Now imagine that therapy has lead to some healing. You begin to view yourself and others differently. You may begin to realize that you are no longer willing to sacrifice yourself so completely for others, so you work on establishing and holding boundaries. This is great progress and healing! And it also often angers the other people who are used to having you act a different way.
Because of the work you’ve done and the healing you’ve experienced, you may now understand that some people in your life are not true friends. Instead, these people are using you, taking advantage of you, or manipulating you for their own benefit. These types of people users get really angry and hostile when suddenly they are no longer getting their way!
In some cases, relationships can be saved as people make their adjust to your new boundaries, although it might be bumpy getting to this point. In other cases, though, the users and manipulators may drop you once you are no longer allowing yourself to be used. And sometimes, you come to the very hard realization that the only interest another person has is in using you, so you have to decide whether to keep the relationship on those terms or end the relationship.
Family members can be especially difficult as healing is occurring and can push hard for you to go back to the old way of behaving that they are used to. This creates a lot of stress in what may be some very important relationships.
Be Prepared Ahead of Time
For trauma survivors, healing may mean losing a lot of your safety net as dysfunctional relationships come to an end. This can be really hard and it seems unfair that healing and recovery can result in a life turned upside down. It can feel like taking two steps forward and a dozen steps back and this is something that sometimes catches trauma survivors off guard. I don’t want you to be blindsided by this so I’m talking about it. Being aware of the risks can be helpful. You can keep an eye out for signs of strains in important relationships and be more intentional about how you handle your recovery. If you are working with a therapist, you can talk over these relationship strains so that you can decide what you want for an outcome.
Support for Your Rebuilding Phase
I want to add that while it can be very painful and scary to lose relationships, in the end freeing yourself from relationships with people who use or manipulate you creates the opportunity for you to develop new relationships with people who will respect you and your needs and see you as an equal, people who will support you and encourage you. In the long term, you’ll come out far ahead! One thing that can help during that transition, where you are ending unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships but don’t yet have healthy relationships to replace them, is to join a support group or try some group therapy. Either type of group can provide you with the support, encouragement, and validation you need as you work on building a new and healthier life that matches your new and healthier self.
Have you experienced the loss of relationships on your healing journey? Tell me about it in the comments and I will respond.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why can therapy strain relationships?
As survivors heal, they often stop people-pleasing and start setting boundaries. While this is progress, it can upset people who were used to being prioritized.
Is it normal to lose relationships during trauma recovery?
Yes. As you grow, some relationships may no longer fit—especially if they were based on manipulation, control, or lack of boundaries.
Why do family members often push back against changes?
Family may resist because your new boundaries disrupt long-standing dynamics. They may pressure you to return to old patterns, even if those were unhealthy.
Can strained relationships be repaired?
Sometimes. With time, some friends or relatives adjust to your healthier boundaries. But relationships based only on using or controlling you may not survive.
How can I cope with losing relationships while healing?
Seek out supportive connections—through group therapy, support groups, or new friendships. These can provide encouragement and validation as you rebuild.
Does losing relationships mean therapy is making things worse?
No. It often means you’re growing. Letting go of harmful connections opens the door to healthier, more supportive relationships in the future.