Discounting the Positive Part 2
Do you ever argue with compliments or dismiss your successes as if they don’t count? That’s called discounting the positive—a thinking trap that undermines confidence, fuels self-doubt, and keeps trauma survivors and people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) stuck in old survival strategies. By learning small shifts—like pausing before rejecting a compliment, giving yourself even a sliver of credit, or exploring which parts feel unsafe with praise—you can begin to unlearn this pattern and make space for growth and healing.
Do you ever argue with compliments, telling yourself they don’t count or weren’t deserved? That’s discounting the positive — and in this video, I’ll show you how to start shifting it.
This thinking trap undercuts your confidence and self-worth. It makes you less likely to try new things or to believe you can do things well. It prevents growth and change. It can cause you to doubt yourself and your abilities.
And here’s the thing that I think is the saddest piece — the piece that makes me angry on your behalf: you are carrying on the harm that others did to you as a child. You know better than anyone how hurtful it is when someone important to you invalidates something you’ve done. With this thinking error, you are now invalidating yourself. I want better for you! You deserve better.
And yes, I realize you are likely arguing with that statement right now. That pushback makes sense — because discounting the positive has been your brain’s survival strategy for a long time. But just because it kept you safe then doesn’t mean it has to hold you back now.
So how can you start to change this way of thinking? I’m going to share several possible approaches. They all start small. Just try one that resonate with you. My favorite approach is the last one, and I’ve made a free PDF for you to download. The link is in the pinned comment.
The first way you can start to change the habit of discounting the positive is to take a moment to pause and consider the compliment before you reject it. Try saying, “Maybe that’s true. I don’t know yet,” or “I’d like to believe that someday.” You can also say to yourself, “I’m having the thought that they are just being nice,” or however you’re explaining away the positive.
If the discounting is coming from another part of your system, remind yourself that they are scared, and discounting the positive is their attempt to keep you safe. You might ask that part, with genuine curiosity, what feels threatening or unsafe about believing something positive.
You can also consider the source. If praise comes from someone who knows you well, or from an expert in that area, maybe it deserves more weight. Ask yourself: Would I dismiss this if it were a friend’s success? Did I put in effort that contributed? Could my doubts be old survival fears rather than reality?
Another way to start to free yourself from this thinking trap is to keep a list of “maybe true” things: compliments, progress, kind moments you don’t fully believe yet — but want to.
Finally, another way to start unlearning this distortion is to imagine a pie chart. Inside the circle are all the reasons for your accomplishment. Now, how big is the slice you’re willing to give to your own effort — the slice that says, “I did this. I deserve this.” Maybe it’s only 2% right now. That’s okay. Even a tiny slice is a beginning — and it may be more credit than you’ve ever allowed yourself before. Over time, you may notice that slice slowly growing. You’re used to focusing on all the reasons it couldn’t be true. Choosing instead to notice the part that is true — even if it’s small — is already a big change.
In the first video, I talked about how discounting the positive can keep people stuck. This pie chart exercise speaks directly to that. Even if you only give yourself a tiny slice of credit, you’re interrupting the cycle that keeps you stuck. You’re practicing noticing progress instead of erasing it — and that’s how change begins.
I’ve put together a simple one-page handout with 25 common examples of discounting the positive, along with gentle ways you can start to challenge them.
Why do I argue with compliments or dismiss success?
This habit often forms as a survival strategy. If praise felt unsafe or inconsistent in childhood, rejecting positive feedback became a way to stay guarded. Over time, your brain learns to protect you by arguing against compliments—even when they’re genuine.
How does discounting the positive affect trauma survivors and people with DID?
For trauma survivors, especially those with DID, discounting the positive can reinforce shame and fuel self-doubt across the system. Parts that carry protective roles may reject praise to prevent vulnerability. This makes it harder to notice growth, trust progress, or build confidence.
What are gentle first steps to stop discounting the positive?
Start small. Instead of rejecting a compliment outright, try saying, “Maybe that’s true,” or, “I’d like to believe that someday.” You don’t have to fully accept praise to begin shifting the pattern. Even a tiny pause before dismissing it is progress.
What if a part of me keeps rejecting compliments no matter what?
That resistance often comes from a protective place. You can respond with curiosity rather than frustration: “What feels unsafe about accepting this compliment?” Respecting the fear beneath the pushback helps parts feel heard—and over time, that safety can open the door to new ways of responding.