You Didn’t Choose This: Shame, Abuse, and False Choices
(Summary) Many trauma survivors, including those with dissociative identity disorder (DID) or OSDD, carry deep shame over “choices” they believe they made during childhood abuse. These may include actions they were taught were normal or situations where abusers forced them into impossible decisions. The truth is: children in abusive environments don’t have real choices. Abusers create the illusion of choice to shift blame and deepen control. The shame doesn’t belong to the child—it belongs to the abusers. Recognizing this truth, and offering compassion to parts who carry that shame, is a powerful step toward healing.
This is a hard topic and it won’t apply to all of you. But unfortunately it will apply to some of you. Today I’m talking about shame people have as a result of choices they made during their childhood abuse or as a result of their childhood abuse.
For instance, if you were sexually abused by a grown up who told you that this is how you show love to someone, you might have decided to show love to a sibling or other child in this way. Then when you grew older, you realized that this was wrong. Or someone caught you and freaked out and blamed and shamed you. And now you are an adult, full of shame and self-hate for a “choice” you made as a child. In these cases, I want to stress that you were a child. You were doing what you’d been taught and you were doing it with honest and good intentions. How could you have known any differently? You couldn’t. It makes no sense to blame and shame yourself for something you could not have known. And so the shame really belongs to the adults who let you down and who abused you.
Some of you who were abused by sadistic people, may have had to choose between yourself and another child to receive abuse. If you come from a ritual abuse background, you may believe you killed animal or a baby as part of your abuse and the shame this belief brings can be crushing.
Here’s an important thing I want you to know: you did not really have a choice. Your abusers made it appear as though you had a choice, but you didn’t. What choice is there when you are under the threat of a profoundly horrible outcome if you do not make the choice? What choice is there when you are a child vastly overpowered by adults? There is no true choice in these situations. You were set up to believe you had a choice, and to blame yourself after you made the choice that wasn’t a real choice. This was yet another abusive act by your abuser.
And here’s the most important point. If you don’t listen to anything, I want you to listen to this: you were a child. Adults are responsible for keeping children safe. As a child, you bear no responsibility for choices you were forced to make. You didn’t make those choices freely. Look at who had the power in this situation: it is the abusers. The only power you were given was to possibly spare someone else extra abuse but that was at your own expense of having to make that decision. You might believe you had a true choice, but again, you were set up to believe you had a choice and had responsibility. This was so your abuser or abusers could torture you more and have something to hold over your head to manipulate you further, such as by threatening to tell the authorities about what you did. They did this so you would feel shame and hate yourself because it made you easier to control and abuse and it was another way to make you suffer. The only shame in this situation belongs to the abusers.
If you have alters in your system who carry shame and guilt from such things, please give them compassion and understanding. Usually, parts who carried out these acts did so in an attempt to protect the rest of the system, not because they wanted to hurt anyone else. They certainly did not enjoy it. And yet they end up hated and blamed and rejected by the rest of the system, which adds greatly to the suffering they are already experiencing.
I want you to know that when I’m working with these clients, I have no judgment toward them. I do have a lot of judgment and anger toward the adults who allowed or made this happen. I see the client as the innocent child they were, trying to make the choice that they believed led to the least amount of harm or trying to do something they were told was good for someone else. I see all the shame you carry and I want you to know it’s not yours. I tell you this because if you have wanted to seek out therapy but were afraid of being judged, I want you to know there are therapists who will understand this wasn’t something to judge or shame you about. I hope if you are carrying this shame you will one day be able to give it back to the person or people to whom it belongs.
Frequently Asked Questions
Did I really choose what happened during my childhood abuse?
No. Abusers often created the illusion of choice, but true choice wasn’t possible. As a child, you were overpowered and threatened. Any so-called “choices” you made were under coercion and fear. The responsibility belongs to the abusers—not you.
Why do I feel so much shame for what I did as a child?
Abusers deliberately set children up to blame themselves. They wanted you to carry shame because it made you easier to control. The shame is not yours—it belongs to the adults who failed to protect you and who manipulated you.
What if I hurt another child because of what I was taught?
Many survivors blame themselves for repeating what abusers told them was “love” or “normal.” But you were acting with the limited knowledge and power of a child. You didn’t know any different. That responsibility lies with the abusive adults, not with you.
Can alters carry the shame from childhood abuse?
Yes. In many systems, parts hold the memories, guilt, and shame of these events—often believing they must be hated or punished. In reality, these parts usually acted to protect the system, not to cause harm. They need compassion and understanding, not rejection.
Will a therapist judge me if I talk about this?
A good trauma-informed therapist will not judge you. Therapists understand that children cannot be responsible for choices made under abuse. If you fear judgment, know there are professionals who recognize your innocence and place blame where it belongs—on the abusers.