What If Our Alters Remember the Same Trauma Differently?
Trigger warning: this post talks about sexual assault.
(Summary) When alters in a dissociative identity disorder (DID) system hold conflicting memories of the same event, it can feel confusing and destabilizing. One part may recall abuse involving one person, while another insists it was someone else—or questions whether it happened at all. This doesn’t mean the system is “lying” or “broken.” Memory itself is not fixed; it changes each time it is recalled, and traumatic memories are especially fragmented. Mood, later suggestions, and which part was present during the event can all shape what is remembered. Instead of getting stuck on the details, it’s often more helpful to focus on the shared impact of the memory—because whether or not every fact is clear, the effects are real, and healing is possible.
Sometimes, alters in a system will have conflicting memories of the same event. For example, one alter may have memories of being sexually abused by an older brother but another alter says it was the brother’s friend, not the brother. Who’s right? How do you handle this?
It’s important to know that memories are not fixed in stone. That is, they can be changed each time the memory is recalled. Mood can affect what you remember. For instance, if you are feeling down and depressed, it’s much easier to remember other depressing events or notice other negative details than when you are not depressed. Memories are also not like video or photographs of the event. They are how our brains interpreted the events and what the brain decided was important to remember. And when it comes to traumatic memories, remember that the brain stores memories differently during trauma than at other times. Memories of traumatic events are often just pieces and bits of the event, with lots of holes in the memories. What you are told later on, after the fact, can also change a memory. For example, if you were told “that never happened that way. Your brother’s friend played with you because he was being nice” that might change how you remember events. This can be especially true if you hear different information repeatedly after the event. Alters may have different memories of an event because they were aware of different aspects of the event or were fronting at different times of the event. Using our example, it’s possible the older brother and his friend both sexually assaulted the younger sibling and different alters were present at different parts of the assault. It would be understandable that they have very different recollections of the event. Of course, it’s also possible that neither of those individuals assaulted the person with the memory, or that only one of them did, or that someone else entirely different committed the assault.
I would ask the alters to focus on the outcome of the remembered event, particularly if they can agree on that but not on who it involved. Focus on addressing the impact of the event initially. Don’t let disagreement on details of an event keep you from healing from that memory as much as possible.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why do alters remember the same event differently?
Different parts may have been present at different times, or may have encoded different pieces of the experience. Trauma memories are often fragmented, with gaps or distortions. Each alter’s memory reflects what they perceived and what their brain could handle, rather than a full “video recording.”
2. Does it mean one alter is lying if their memory doesn’t match another’s?
No. Alters generally aren’t lying—they’re sharing what they truly experienced. Conflicting details often reflect how dissociation divides awareness. Each perspective holds part of the story, and contradictions don’t invalidate the pain or impact of the memory.
3. How can trauma memories change over time?
Every time we recall a memory, it can be influenced by mood, suggestions from others, or new information. Trauma memories are especially vulnerable to this because they’re stored in fragments. This doesn’t mean they’re fake—it just means they’re shaped by how the brain encodes and recalls overwhelming events.
4. What should I do if my alters can’t agree on the details?
Try shifting the focus from “Who’s right?” to “What’s the outcome?” If your system can agree on the impact—like fear, pain, or shame—you can begin healing from that. Working on the effects of the trauma matters more than pinning down every detail.
5. Can healing happen without knowing the full truth?
Yes. Complete clarity isn’t always possible, and waiting for certainty can stall progress. Healing is about addressing the pain, triggers, and relational wounds that remain. Even with conflicting memories, you can still process emotions, build safety, and support your system’s recovery.