When Abuse Feels Confusing: Pleasure, Shame, and DID
(Summary) One of the hardest things survivors of sexual abuse carry is the fear that their body’s response meant they “wanted it.” In reality, the body’s automatic reactions — including arousal or even pleasure — are survival responses, not choices. This video explores why abuse can feel confusing, how perpetrators deliberately exploit the body’s reactions, and why none of it makes you responsible.
Let’s talk about something that almost no one talks about— But so many survivors carry shame about.
What if part of your abuse… felt good? What if you experienced sexual pleasure during something that was completely unwanted? That doesn’t make you a willing participant. It doesn’t mean you liked it. And it doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.
It means your body responded the way bodies are wired to respond. Abusers know this and some of them deliberately create that confusion. They want your body to react so they can blame you. So they can say: “You wanted it.” It’s manipulation. It’s sadism. And it is abuse.
For some perpetrators, causing pleasure isn’t an accident—it’s part of the harm. So if you’ve been carrying shame because your body responded— That shame was planted by your abuser.
You didn’t consent.
You didn’t cause it.
You survived it.
One of the cruelest things about abuse is how it turns your own body against you. You’re left thinking: “If I felt something… maybe I wanted it.” Or “If I didn’t fight… maybe I deserved it.” Or “If it felt good… maybe it wasn’t abuse.” None of that is true.
Pleasure does not equal consent. Freezing does not mean agreement. And the body’s trauma responses are not choices. Your body was just trying to survive. And sometimes, the body survives by shutting down—by complying—by releasing hormones that reduce pain. Your abuser may have used that against you. That is on them—not you.
If you carry this burden, just hearing me say you have nothing to be ashamed of probably won’t move the needle for you. But maybe help you start to look at it differently. Your body did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. And you deserve to reclaim your sense of safety, wholeness, and peace.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does feeling pleasure mean I wanted the abuse?
No. The body’s automatic responses — arousal, lubrication, or orgasm — are survival functions, not choices. They don’t mean you wanted what happened. Abuse is defined by lack of consent, not by the body’s reaction.
Why would my body respond at all if I didn’t want it?
The nervous system sometimes reacts with arousal or pleasure as a way to reduce pain or survive overwhelming experiences. It’s an involuntary reflex, not a sign of desire.
Did I deserve what happened because I didn’t fight back?
Absolutely not. Freezing, going numb, or complying are common trauma responses. They are the body’s way of staying alive when fighting back isn’t safe or possible.
Do abusers really use the body’s responses against survivors?
Yes. Many perpetrators know that if the body reacts, they can twist it into “proof” that the survivor wanted it. This is deliberate manipulation. The confusion and shame that follow are part of the harm — and it is the abuser’s responsibility, not yours.
How can I start letting go of the shame?
Shame eases slowly with compassion, education, and safe support. Understanding that your body’s reactions were survival responses can be the first step toward reclaiming peace and safety.